As always, The Sarf knows me better than I do. When I said that I was fine, she questioned. Well, I'm not fine, but I was mistaken because I couldn't quite put my finger on the feeling.

The feeling of futility, uselessness, stupidity. (Calculus and my inability to recall physics equations was the last straw.) It seems as though nothing will amount to much, that I will try but fail in a little thing and lose everything. And that even if I get into whatever university I most desire, I'll hate it and transfer several times and go bankrupt.

HOWEVER! The healing process has begun with MSN (maker and breaker). I've already been called "lover" and "my love" and um, am being told a Taoist tale about choosing horses? Maybe there'll be a point to all this.

What Kao keeps in view is the spiritual mechanism. In making sure of the essential, he forgets the homely details; intent on the inward qualities, he loses sight of the external. He sees what he wants to see, not what he does not want to see. He looks at the things he ought to look at, and neglects those that need not be looked at. So clever a judge of Horses Kao, that he has it in him to judge something better than horses. When the horse arrived, it turned out indeed to be a superlative animal.

I am so confused. Not about the above, but something about a word that sounds like "sinch".

And with that thought, I shall be off to sleep.

Oh, something easy. No wonder I don't get it.

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th since 5th october 2001