Read the last entry first.

I'm not sure I should post this.

She's alive, in the sense of a pumping heart, but not in the way that it matters. The stroke was very major and only a very small portion of her brain is functioning. Her blood vessel walls were too thin and her blood pressure too high. My aunt and uncle are flying in from Hong Kong.

My dad came home to take me to the hospital. I scrolled to Good Goodnight on the iPod. He had said that he wrote about life, love and death and I never understood. I had always thought that it was a happy song whose tune was too melancholy for its words. Now I see it as cruelly ironic.

You talk in your sleep
I hear you say
Beautiful things
I love you, I do
You know that I do

The world is awake
But you don't hear
The sound that it makes
Asleep and dreaming so deep

Peace in your heart
Peace in your soul
Peace in your head
Good goodnight

You're far from me now
But you'd be here
In the blink of an eye
If I spoke your name

The morning will come
For you and I
Life will go on But keep at least
From now till then

Peace in your heart
Peace in your soul
Peace in your head
Good goodnight

Peace in your head
Good good good goodnight
You talk in your sleep
You talk in your sleep

I believe that two things might happen when one dies: nothingness or afterlife. I don't believe in hell, but if it does exist, my grandmother wouldn't go there. I have to say that lately I've been accepting the fact that when we die, we cease to exist because our brain stops. That's it: no punishments, no rewards. Fullstop or comma, death is a good thing for the dead. What it does affect is the living. We have no choice. Perhaps it�s an evolutionary device. We grieve for us. Showing respect is a different thing, but feeling sad is essentially selfish, but it's something we need to do.

I feel guilty for being ok.

I feel guilty because I was happy at the exact moment she was losing herself.

I feel guilty for wearing black before and after I found out.

I feel guilty that I stood in the corner and stared at the walls and notices in the hospital.

I feel guilty that I looked like a mess.

I feel guilty for not believing in prayers and miracles.

I feel guilty for being egocentric and godless.

I feel guilty that I couldn't do more.

I feel guilty that I can't remember the last time I saw and spoke to her.

I feel guilty that I could have seen her on Tuesday had I not had flu.

I feel guilty for not comforting anyone.

I feel guilty that I'm angry towards everyone.

I feel guilty because I couldn't say anything to my grandad.

I was so busy looking after myself that I forgot about everyone else.

I like to think that she's fine but she might not be.

I want a hug but I don't want the person attached to those arms.

I like to think that I have it all thought out but I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen.

This is happening all over the world. Hundreds of people crying for the same reason. Thousands. Millions.

She looked very peaceful when I first saw her. She moved, but I knew it meant nothing. I was the only one in there, I think, who smiled. I was the only one who cried as well. I didn't know what to do but to touch her shoulder. She probably couldn't feel it. It felt like a hollow gesture. I stood much closer when I watched her in the intensive care unit. She was forced to breath, almost. I didn't know what to do, what to think, so I wished her good goodnight.

I've always been emotionally inadequate. I feel. I can express it, although I chose not to a lot of the time. But I never know what to do when there are other people. I freeze and retreat into myself. I try to rationalise.

So far, the only things I've said have been very blunt. I can only swear. It's horribly disrespectful, but if I had one reason to swear in my life, this would be it.

I'm glad I moved here.

I've always been the lucky child with all four grandparents. I've never experienced death. Everyone said that I was a cold-hearted bitch when her mother died. I didn't understand it. I won't ever understand it.

I'm so worried about him.

<< Good Goodnight. >>

th since 5th october 2001