just an update to say that i feel better now. maybe too much better. i actually listened to Brighter than Sunshine and felt it. i suppose that means i'm coping.

stayed up until 6 am last night talking to ticca and sarf, so i got about tow hours sleep, but i felt okay. this morning i went to the hospital again. i dislike hospitals, the smells, the general unhealthiness of the place. makes me want to burn my clothes.

i still think that death is the best thing that can happen to a person. like A Birthday by Christina Rossetti.

felt very angry and sort of cheated that all these people i admire are actually fallible and weak. the ICU waiting room was actually not that sad, but it was small and i felt very trapped. there was a horizontal strip of wall that has been covered with another layer of something for chair-scratching prevention. i wanted to spray paint "everyone dies" on it again and again.

instead i scowled and read my book.

i might be going back. i'm so tired. *sleeps*

ETA 8.38: i got the easiest deal. i'm the youngest one here. i'm sort of biologically separated from her by two degrees. i don't really know my her that well. she moved here when i was a toddler and i've only seen her more now.

i can't imagine being with someone i love for 60 years and losing them. i can't imagine all the things one lives through in 60 years.

this life can only
leave us lonely
there's no tomorrow
just another little hole in my heart

-Another Little Hole, Aqualung

ETA 10.27:

she looked very peaceful. i think she's breathing on her own and they gave her medicine so she can cough, clears her throat. they're also giving her some sort of nutrition that's mocha coloured. i counted at least 16 tubes.

and she had her brain activity tested. there are some brain waves, but i don't know what they are. what they mean. did she know that i was there?

it's time for happiness and shallow things that don't hurt the self.

<< the Birthday of my life. >>

th since 5th october 2001