i just got home. i cried in the car. i cried putting the freshly shopped food away. i feel like:

Extra Ordinary Thing

Breaking My Heart Again

Take Me Home

everyday
keep making the same mistakes
once again
i find myself in the same old place
and i'm wandering
wondering
where to turn
theres a dead end
straight ahead
won't you take me home

except i have no-one to take me home and hold me and make me less cold and there are dark clouds gathering......

overall i shouldn't be despairing about anything. i'm doing fine, except lately, i've been very frustrated about not getting anything done. i like doing nothing but i will never be able to let things slide without feeling impending doom, it's my nature. so lately i have done nothing of worth and that is killing me.

i had about 40 pages of Zinn (The People's History) to read last night and i managed about 5 pages, another 5 skimmed. we had a group quiz on it and my group knew nothing. i didn't even have anything to make up, which stressed me out. add that to people hating each other and i just wanted to tell everyone to fuck off.

then you've got exemptions. i'm doubting whether it's a good decision, but i'm going to exempt APUSH, physics and French. i'll be doing the AP tests of these at the end of the year and i might as well revise once and kill both birds. and they're no cumulative. at least i don't think so. i'll need to remember to get teachers to sign.

then i found out that i'll be in Wahsington DC when i could be taking a Latin test that i'd probably ace. still, what's more important?

then i stayed after school to find otu abotu UIL, academic exams/competitions....that make you look clever, i suppose.

then i went to Science Olympiad, which i was going to quit as i've done nothing for it. but then they put me in Astronomy, Remote Sensing and Physics Lab, all of which i have to study A LOT for. shit shit shit.

a word to my children: if you don't care much for something, don't sign up for it. it'll only lead to disappointment and a lot of shit.

then i stayed to ask my physics teache rmy grade average, but he hasn't put them in the computer yet and i ended up having to listen to him talk about astronomy, which, by the way, i can't give a monkey's fuck about right now.

so there we go, the trivial events of my life. plus i don't think some people like me much now as i was a stressy bitch today.

always tomorrow. and tomorrow's tests. ooh. i think smallville tonight will have aqualung in it. no doubt i'll be showering or sitting in the official dining room, far away from the TV. shit shit shit.

such is life.

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th since 5th october 2001