Tired and content. Don't believe it's four days till Christmas. Certainly doesn't feel like it.

I hate going to the hospital. I try to see my grandma as much as possible, but it breaks my heart to hear her breathe. She's doing it on her own, but it sounds so difficult. I don't think she has any discomforts but that just reminds me that she isn't here anymore. Her reflexes have gone as well and she's in a vegetative state now. She had written that she didn't want to be like this and that she wants to go peacefully once the doctor said that nothing else could be done.

In fact, she didn't want the ambulance when she was conscious and she brushed away the tubes and things. But my aunt and grandpa knew that my uncle and aunt had to come from HK and say goodbye, so in a way they defied her wishes when they called the ambulance. But it was a wise choice, I think, as she would have wanted her children to be happy.

She had said that she wanted to die in her sleep, like some of her friends had, and in a way, she did/will do. I hope she didn't suffer too much, but it's over now. The choice for us is when to take her off the nutrition and medicines, which aren't doing much for her. She could stay alive for months if we keep these, and she really didn't want that. So we can decide when everyone's found peace, I suppose.

There was a bit of an argument - there always is with my mother's family. They spit fire at each other. My grandma and grandpa bicker over tiny things like there's no tomorrow but they love each other so much. Anyway, there were emotions and confusions and blah, I walked out and read the labels on medical equipment. It actually is fascinating. The medical profession is the noblest, which is why I'll never go into it. It'll kill me. Or rather, I'll kill myself over it.

My paternal grandma (Ah Ma) is really good friends with my maternal grandma (Pau Pau). During the SARS period, she called Ah Ma every week. Ah Ma actually called her the day before the stroke happened but she was already on the phone with someone else so she called me instead and sounded really worried about something. I mean, she wouldn't have known because Pau Pau was totally fine, but the cool thing about Ah Ma is that despite the worrying, she's amazingly perceptive. She just knows things and sneakily inserts them into conversation to confirm her suspicions. And you realise that she probably planned it all when she was frowning pensively in her chair.

A little history about the extraordinary life of Ah Ma: I think she was a child during some war in HK (The opium war? WWII? My knowledge of history, especially the Chinese type, is shit) and she did a fair bit of running around. Then she was married quite young and not very educated, I would have thought, to my grandpa (Ye Ye), who by the way is the coolest. Again, they should not be left in a room on their own. He doesn't follow her Rules for Sterile Living.

Anyway, Ah Ma and Ye Ye lived in a flat on a hill that took a hundred odd stairs to get to and she had to care for three of their parents and her five children. One of my great grandmothers smoked a complicated tobacco pipe which looks a bit like this. She had to be carried up and down those stairs. When one of my aunts was five or six, she caught polio swimming in the ocean so she had to be carried as well. Her sister had a stroke when she was thirty something (but you know about this already, she got back to work in six months) so Ah Ma has lived through this type of trauma many times. Her metaphorical t-shirt collection is her wisdom.

She said that since Thursday, she's been talking to Pau Pau in her dreams. A part of me believes that it really is her spirit visiting Ah Ma. I like to think that she's staying alive just a bit longer to comfort her family. In a way, this is the best way to go.

I've been sleeping a lot lately. Dreamless sleep, which I suppose is good for me. I don't sleep enough when I'm supposed to, so I collapse the moment I sit still, which is all the time, especially in the waiting room. It's also a way the body copes with stress (I read about it in a fic about Lex). It turns itself off so I can stop worrying. If Pau Pau is to appear in someone's sleep, I would be lowest on the list because I've been able to find happiness and beauty in all of this.

The ten of us had lunch in my aunt's house: Ten MacDonald's quarter pounders, twenty chicken nuggets, nine large fries and about thirty packets of ketchup. I told everyone that three packets count for a ration of vegetables. Not sure which is worse: them believing me, or it possibly being the truth.

Afterwards mon coz and I watched the second half of The EXTENDED Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers. Pathetically, we fell asleep and woke up briefly to let in/greet his best friend Dave. I still never got round to the end of TTT because we had to eat out.

When we came back, we saw the end of the third Austin Powers, which I craply thought was funny. Everyone left when it ended and I saw the beginning of The Secretary. "It's weird," disait mon coz. I quite liked the bit the saw. Had to leave, however, during the first spanking (assuming more was to come), when my parents dropped off my aunt and neglected to take me home. Bastards. I phoned home but they turned around.

I typed this listening to The Sounds of Summer and Still Life. It just ended. That's thirty-two songs. The Beach Boy ones are short, though.

(1014 words. More than any RS essay I've written)

After editing, which took bloody ages: Dammit, I missed Jude Law on Actor's Studio on Bravo. Gladdy called me but I wasn't at home and I got the email too late. Was too busy watching Maggie Gyllenhaal. She's fantastic and looks a bit like Pau Pau, but she doesn't remind me, which is a good thing.

Goodnight.

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th since 5th october 2001