Hello.

Couple of things:

Crying and laughing are really the same thing, except crying involves tears, I suppose. They both consist of quickly expelling air due to emotion. Sounds the same. Quite satisfying. I seem to be doing both. It's not hard.

I don't think parents ever realise how much they can affect their children by doing very little. I don't think this is something one grows out of. That is why I've always thought that having children is too much of a responsibility. I don�t think I'd be good enough. Very little people in the world are good enough. No-one in this world is good enough. And yet here we are, overpopulating the world. As opposed to turtles.

Note to self: Be careful when rearing young. Think of yourself as a celebrity. Everything you say can be interpreted and remembered until the end of time. Even little things. And if your child is sitting in her room listening to a stranger singing his heart out, telling her not to cry, it's entirely your fault, even if she is being self-indulgent.

I don't see why people have to shout when it's equally, if not more effective, just to say it in a civil way. Note to self: don't do anything when under the influence of extreme emotion. You have no idea what you're talking about. It's better to bottle it up and let it ferment a little before serving. Even when you don't want to compromise yourself. It might be raw and pure, but it's better to annoy yourself now than have it vex someone else for the rest of his/her life. Remember: altruism is the key.

Maybe I shouldn't be typing this now. Maybe I'll read this tomorrow and delete it. But I'd forget about it and never learn. And what�s the point in that?

I find it funny that I'm crying but feeling a bit victorious. I know I'm right. I'm reasonable and rational. And I'm not going to tell you what happened so you can't form judgments. This is my diary and you see it from my perspective. The point of view of anyone with intelligence is correct in it's own right even if it's lacking in range of perspective. Your thoughts, your opinions are all your property. And depending on what you believe in, they can be all you possess. I think that's fantastic.

The problem with me is that most of the time I'm very optimistic. I still can't decide whether the hypothetical glass is half full or half empty because it really is both � 50% water, 50% air. Then you could argue that I'm very, very optimistic in that I'm even counting the air. But you can't drink air.

Still. I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I like everyone I meet. I think that although large groups of people tend to ruin everything, there's something special and good in the individual. This worldview makes me disillusioned very easily. Or, as I like to think about it, the world very often vomits in my face.

I also like to think that all the good and evil in the world add up and cancel each other, so in the end, the net good/evil is 0. Hence the belief that the world is good will inevitably lead to heartbreak and bitterness. Maybe I'll shelter myself as much as possible and lead a happy but na�ve and ignorant life. Or I'll be a cynic and be pleasantly surprised once in a while. Maybe it�s not up to me to decide, that everything that has happened to me up to this point in time has fashioned my beliefs and they won't change unless something upsets them. How passive.

The resentfulness finally ran out. I was probably prolonging it by listening to Baby Goodbye. Hearing Matt Hales sing "don't cry" has the opposite effect on me.

I feel relatively peaceful now. Thank you for reading.

Love, Lok.

<< notes to self. >>

th since 5th october 2001