came back from the dinner/cinema thing. we saw bruce almighty instead. i generally stay away from jim carrey, but it was good - funny and sweet. all was fun, but not so much now. it seems as if i�ve seen some people for the last time.

and chess gave back harrison and 45s live, which is good and all (ben hales has nice eyes), except the fact that we have one less reason to see each other now. the only day she�s free (till she goes, then i go) is monday. and that�s the day when the packers come. i was looking forward to showing her the RUTH videos as well. and we haven�t seen donnie darko yet.

seems as if the only good thing is that i get to watch the 45s live, which, as comfort food goes is pretty much the best. (which is just as well cos i can�t eat when upset.) however, it goes nowhere near tipping the metaphorical scale. cos sadness is on the other side and there�s lots of it and therefore the accumulation of the sadness is very heavy. that was a shit explanation of a shit metaphor which didn�t need explaining. sorry. unhappy.

i�m facing this whole leaving thing like i do with holidays drawing to an end - passively. i sit and watch it pass by. when the holiday/trip/whatever happy things ends, i get on a plane/go back to school and throughout the process of waiting for the holiday to end and going back to my life, i am profoundly unhappy. which i do nothing about.

so right now, (not right now, maybe when people aren�t asleep) i should be phoning people and forcing them to go out with me, writing letters, labelling things to be packed, getting all that curriculum crap done, seeing as many friends as i can. but being the procrastinating arsehole that i am, i�m just gonna sit here and watch a little matt hales prance about on my computer screen. which i could do anywhere - on the plane even.

and of course this is not some holiday. this is my life. all i know, all that is familiar to me. my possessions are coming with me, but so many things that are material are staying here. i can�t even list them, but i�ll miss them all - my house, my car (ok, not actually mine), the tv channels and shows, my town, my school, the general englishness of everything - narrow roads, the accent, the red post boxes, the stupid net curtains, the supermarkets, little cars, the money, the shops (we�re talking topshop and river island etc.) and, you know, everything else.

if you are my friend: i don�t care if you have other (better) things to do, i don�t care if you have work experience and i don�t care if you have trips to pack for (you can always do that at 3 am the morning before, and that way, you can sleep during the journey. trust the insomniac). if you have one free afternoon, one free evening, 3 hours of morning even, call me. call my house, ring my mobile, text me, email me (i check 3 times a day), note me, guestbook me. it frustrates me that everyone are doing things while i waste my time sleeping. and i didn�t even remember my dream today.

share-y thing of today:

i spend all my time just sitting here
just waiting for all the feelings to disappear
i gotta get out, get something to do
anything to keep my mind of you

-Morning Blues, RUTH

just to be pathetically bathetic on you, the above was probably inaccurately transcribed. and the singing is a bit very iffy. to quote ben hales, �any emotional impact [was] robbed by the fact that it was sung by children who had probably never even been awake at four in the morning.�

great, another sad song. i�m sure i�ve quoted it here enough times. it�s Waiting for This by RUTH (surprise!). i need little javascript pop-up windows with lyrics for every hales song so i don�t have to type up the lyrics every time. actually, lyrics transcribing is oddly calming and satisfying.

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th since 5th october 2001