I was laughing by the time Tim came to pick me up. "Did you make out lots and do Eco?" He was half joking. I'm not sure about which half. A bit of both, I suppose. I don't normally ask for a ride back.

In the minute-long ride, I told Tim about bursting into tears during ping pong. And being an emotional wreck. And crying in the Ikea cafeteria. That is only one third lie. And some of the third was truth, because I did cry. But those tears have nothing to do with Incredible Mood Swings. And in a way, they came with more difficulty. Everything is a fraction these days. Was it a quarter manipulation? (I'm not trying to be nice, or make this seem less, but staying was a decision made conciously. I could have put my socks on and left.)

I'll write again if the bomb drops, but it certainly doesn't feel like it's going to happen. Out of proportion, as usual. How do I feel? Like this set; every one of these songs, down to the end with Brighter than Sunshine. Notice how he pauses. Sometimes it feels as though the important parts are the ones you miss out.

I don't know. It always narrows down to the Matt and Ben Dilemma, doesn't it? You can't have both. You can't call out both names when you're only with one.

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th since 5th october 2001