This SAT II revising thing is extremely boring. I wish that I could just rewind my brain to the end of last scholastic year when I knew pre-calculus and therefore everything in the maths test. I also wish that the test will be obscenely easy tomorrow and that I'll be exceedingly and unnaturally clever, therefore knowing exactly what to do even if I don't know the maths. It seems a bit futile; my revision guide is rubbish according to Mr. 800, my official Math Tutor.

I don't see why I'm typing about these exams. It has no interest whatsoever. That is why I never update these days: I have no interest whatsoever.

School was almost enjoyable because of The Importance of Being Earnest (book and film), watching everyone work together in English to hide our teacher's giant poster of Mel Gibson, getting 98% on my first Eco test and getting on really well with my French class. I'd like to see the rabbit more, but oh well, we keep talking about After SATs like it's going to be paradise. (Science Olympiad, Diversity, OMG.)

Oh, this is important: I have refrained from shouting at speaking to my dad since last tuesday. That's eleven days including today and therefore the longest grudge I have ever held. I feel perfectly justified. Shall I explain as I did to the French bunch? He, all of a sudden, feels the need to get involved in my academic life. He thinks that I don't put the effort in now that I need to. He thinks that had I stayed in the UK, I would have had a better chance of getting into a prestigious university and that I'm ruining my life here. He's somewhat lacking in reasoning and knowledge:

These SAT IIs really can't count for much. They're probably not as important as the SAT I, my grade point average, my recommendations or my extracurricular activities. The fact is that I've sent the above to the universities and although improved scores on these SAT IIs could better my chances, they won't make The Difference like A-level results. Which just shows how little he understands the system and how he cannot work out that I'm more suited to the one here (despite its disadvantages) than to that of the UK. I couldn't even choose four AS courses, let alone a concentration. He actually dared to point his finger at me and shout, "think about the opportunity cost!" What opportunity cost? Being stuck with a major that I chose too early in life? Possibly getting ill or stupid in the exams and not getting into my university of choice? It's a question of marginal cost and benefit. In this case, there's a good chance of benefits exceeding cost.

He had never interferred with my school work because I have always excelled. It's too late to start now, with months left before I leave for university. He forfeited his right to tell me what to do with my academics years ago. Other than superficial qualities like my idleness and inability to work until just before deadline, he doesn't know what I am and, quite honestly, I doubt he has the emotional depth or understanding to even recognise that he should try to find out. It's as though he's blind to half of the world: the parts that you can't see, that are not strictly explained by science. It's almost sad, but I don't have much sympathy for him.

I sound quite cruel, even though there is much more to say. It's hardly my place to criticise, of course, although this needed to be said. I suspected that all those thoughts above were going to dissipate in my head when I calm down, but I've given them more than a week to settle and they're still here, which is as near to proof of their validity as it will get.

Given his low EQ, he has just channelled his anger at finding out about SB into more acceptable outlets. Perhaps he thinks that he is more progressive than he is? My mum and I certainly thought so, and got it very wrong. His own wife was surprised by his behaviour, which just shows how much he bottles up until pressure causes the fluid to boil. He actually followed SB out of the house and chastised him on the path outside. He should have been speaking to me. I wish I realised this at the time and acted on it. I'm often too passive due to fear of confrontation and loss of composure, but in retrospect, it's better to be aggressive and heard than silent.

So that was self-indulgent. Thank you for reading.

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th since 5th october 2001