Blah.

Fatima, Laboni and Kristal just called me asking why I'm not where they are, making t-shirts with them. Reasons:

1. I got home from school at 5:12 and am exhausted (Consider the fact that school ends at 2:30 and that it takes about seven minutes to get home. Now consider how many precious minutes I spent at school doing fuck all.)

2. Contrary to my actions, I actually have work to do and I actually have not done any revision for my last SAT I except for glancing at the 1.5 thick study guide.

3. I need to be less clueless about this presidential election thing. I saw the vice-presidential debate for Government last night with The Girls but wasn't listening and just don't feel confident with my very limited knowledge. (I will be in Government twice tomorrow and if we're going to discuss it...)

4. When would I eat?

5. I have a social quota that I spent last night. I'd pick out examples of how I was socially awkward today, but I'm always awkward. Like how I didn't know what to do when that teacher burst in and started bitching about people I knew and I should have picked up my things and left at that exact moment but I stayed, trying to write a note about returning a book that I should have kept anyway and didn't go till much later and now those teachers are going to think that I'm nosy when I don't give a shit.

6. I'm irritated. I feel uncomfortable. As though I can't breathe very well. Or that my heart isn't pumping as much blood as it should. Like I might blow up with rage at the smallest of things or burst into tears at any moment.

7. Making "spirit" t-shirts is not a priority. Even making Matt t-shirts so of no importance right now. I have no good design for it and moreover, I have ordered more t-shirts than I would need from various clubs at school and Arwen ordered me a t-shirt for her sign language club because I said yes when I meant no. Now I don't know how to say no.

I hate it when people expect me to be sociable when I'm not. I want to tell them to fuck off, but can't because they are just being nice and I am just being a self-centred bitch.

All those logical reasons and yet I have this terrible feeling in my chest. I am just sitting here, immobile except for blinking and breathing, letting the music regulate my heartbeat. I type once every five minutes...

Wait, I'm not finished. Hopefully this will be cathartic and whatnot. Edited to add, right after posting... hahaha. Encounters, Sara's group of Christians something meet today and I've already missed last time. But really, I'm not up for it. I might pull out a gun and shoot them all or something. I feel guilty about not going when I went that once and it was... good? Bad? I don't remember. My instinct is to withdrawl and resent people praying together. So I don't feel comfortable thinking about it, even though actually being there is a different matter.

Did I mention how French David would bully me? He likes to take my rubber/pencil/file/textbook etc. or throw things at me. Sometimes paper clips on the end of rubber bands actually hurt but I always hit back harder (and leave scary scratch marks). Anyway, when he's not hitting me, he would ask why I hate him, and tell me that I should sing more because it's "nice", I should wear my "sexy" school uniform more without the trousers underneath... It was "wacky/tacky/nerd dress up day yesterday, so I wore the Habs greenie-wear, but with green cargo trousers under the skirt thanks to Massive Holes in the back. As if the sledgehammer of walking away and ignoring him was not subtle enough. Another situation where I would like to say fuck off, but am too polite. Alas, this time it's justified.

I just want to read Wuthering Heights in bed. And have poems written about me. (Actually a possibility because I commanded it. Whether this command will be obeyed is a different matter.)

Homecoming Parade tomorrow. I look forward to taking photos and eating and marvelling at the American High School-ness of it all. Sunlight makes me outgoing and extroverted. Good stuff.

Aqualung.net says:
thanks for stopping by aqualung.net, we're moving things around tonight ready for the launch of a new look site tomorrow 7th October 2004.

Oh yeah. Oh YEAH.

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th since 5th october 2001