wow.

i'll just make this entry before i sweep this under the rug like everyone else.

i suppose a child has to have these little fantasies. King Matt, Queen Kim and Prince Kofi, who is going to grow up to become the handsomest boy in all the land...

lately, a theme has been shattering glass - (oh, that's what you think, is it? not true, ha! ) - it's been disappointment and disillusionment. and while these silly glass spheres have been breaking, revealing true ugliness, my mother has become more beautiful. it's always infuriated me how she was always right. it's probably more infuriating for her when no one listens. intelligence and experience maturing into wisdom and (ohmygod!) prudence. it's a quiet genius, and she has no solid achievement to prove it.

i'm very similar to her in the way with which i think, but i fear that i don't have her set of morals. must be my lack of faith in God. Aqualung was playing on full volume as she spoke to me and i had to read her lips. the sun was shining on her wet face and it felt almost like a divine revelation. i wish that it pushed me over the edge.

lately, i've been reading karaokesoul and the_lovely_deb and thekittenent and it finally hit home that i'm on the cusp of adulthood. it scares me. i've been talking to Carrie on the Aquaboard yesterday. she has just separated from her husband and they have two children. if things happen for a reason, i'd say that the world was preparing me for something.

i feel strange typing this. i don't intend to put any filters on this entry and i'll try to be as honest as possible. perhaps i won't tell everything, there's no pressure and we'll see when i get there. i want it to be a cathartic process. and maybe i'll see it all differently in the future. maybe i'll see it all differently tomorrow morning. the people who read this will be a strange group. they are very close friends, acquaintances, people whom i've met over the internet, whom i feel know me much better than those i see everyday, complete strangers, some extremely old friends...

i slept for a bit since i found out and it's already in the process of being filed away in my brain, disappearing with that throbbing migraine and powerful urge to throw up.

which is just as well. i was a very happy two year old, completely oblivious that my parents were separated and that my father was having an affair. it sounds preposterous now. i almost find it an amusing anecdote. had my parents been slightly different people, i could have moved to Canada with a stepmother. or maybe stayed here in Houston when i came on holiday aged three.

i've been saying "years of therapy" a lot lately. "that just saved me years of therapy."

it's like those stories. it's like those songs: Tongue-tied, Falling Out of Love, Just for a Moment, Good Times Gonna Come, Good Goodnight.

King Matt and Queen Kim know it's not a fairy tale. i wish them wisdom and happiness. and Prince Kofi, if he were to prick his finger on the needle, i wish that he'd wake from his sleep stronger and fall in love with someone worthy.

<< see me then, investing so much in you, in you in you. >>

th since 5th october 2001